By Dr. Shannon McDonald, FNHA Deputy Chief Medical Officer
Christmas is all around us these days – the bright lights, charming decorations, jovial music, delicious food, and of course, the good cheer. For some of us, however, the “cheer” part does not come so easily. I know I find it hard to get “into the spirit” at this time of the year, and you may feel the same way. There are lots of reasons for sad feelings. Your reasons may not be the same as mine, but many of us are struggling with loss at this time of the year.
In my case, I lost my beautiful, talented and brilliant daughter, Liz, two months before Christmas 2007. She passed away suddenly at the age of 23. Nothing could have prepared me for the impact her death has had on my life, and on the lives of our family members. Part of me died that day too.
Liz was a wonderful, artistic soul and a talented writer. She lived in, and surrounded herself with, bright colours (painting, photography, interesting fashion choices), dance, theatre and fabulous music (she sang and played several instruments). She was an avid community volunteer and a born leader. She was studying to become a teacher. She was passionate about her friends, her family, and was always the planner and decorator of our family events, including Christmas.
After Liz passed, we knew that Christmas would never be the same. We decided, as a family, after more than a few tears and a lot of laughter reliving wonderful memories, that we would create what my older son called “the NEW NORMAL.” This does not mean that we are not sad, and that we don’t miss Liz at Christmas – we always will – but we have found different ways to celebrate and be together that honour her memory, and still allow us to be fully present and enjoy the season.
Here are some of the things we have done to make things easier for us:
• We don’t do family Christmas cards with long folksy letters – a silly email (less tear-inducing), a phone call, or a Skype date work better.• We take lots of walks outside – gathering greenery and hanging out with the dogs.• We give gifts that are small and simple – and only to the family. We make some charitable donations to the less fortunate.• We decorate the tree late in the season, after my younger son gets home from his university exams, with some pretty unique ornaments.• We have a contest every year now about who can find (must be from a store) the UGLIEST Christmas tree ornament. The winner gets to be the proud owner of the classic rubber chicken for a whole year. It makes for a pretty unique tree and a good laugh.• We take care not to burn ourselves out trying to do too much (fatigue is an emotional danger zone for me), so Christmas eve is at home, with as many of us who can be there, Chinese food, and lots of Anishinabe laughter.• We make sure to get a good night’s sleep!• We try not to overindulge in food, alcohol and sweets (I am diabetic, so sugar = BAD!) or anything that is generally not a great idea – they can trigger negative reactions, and it is hard enough without the drama. If I cook a big meal at all, it’s on Boxing Day – less pressure.• On Christmas Day, we participate in a community Christmas Dinner – serving people who are also struggling to get through the season – and share a meal, small gifts, some random hugs, and a “Merry Christmas” or two.
I am sure you have other ideas, and I encourage you to do what works for you. The important things are to make sure you take care of yourself, and the folks around you. I wish you all comfort and joy.
Be well,
Dr. Shannon