By FNHA Director of Mental Health Patricia Vickers, PhD
Patricia with daughter, Rebekah
While shopping for holiday gifts for my children and grandchildren, I chatted with a young store clerk who told me that the best part of the holidays for her was being able to purchase the gift that surprised her family members and made them happy. People give gifts for all kinds of reasons. For some in our communities, the holidays are a time to give the gifts they never received, to give gifts because of their absence, to give gifts because of their habits that cause suffering.
Sometimes, the giving is an attempt to bring balance, to bring a sense of worth for the giver. To find space where we are okay with all that we’ve done and all that we haven’t done – to give to ourselves the beauty of holiday lights within the heart — is to create space for forgiveness and love. When we create space for compassion, kindness and gentleness for ourselves, we create that space for others. In this sense, the holiday cheer needs to be every day and not limited to just one season.
Working in our coastal communities as psychotherapist for the past 20 years, I’ve noticed the space between the trigger (an immediate loss through a traumatic event) and memory (past losses through traumatic events) was either very small or non-existent. This means that when a traumatic event happens in the community, an individual remembers the trauma-loss from last year or previous years, and the current community event simultaneously. Holding the past with the present creates overwhelm. Overwhelm is to be overloaded emotionally, mentally and spiritually, a reality that can impact our physical health –our nervous system. Because the holidays are a time when families remember the past, and not all memories are joyful, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed.
When a person is in overwhelm, or “submerged” in memory, it does not allow them to be fully in the present moment or to think of what needs to be done to change repeated overwhelm for themselves and for others.
The space between an immediate traumatic incident and memory is the personal work of healing. The person who experiences loss needs the support and guidance of others. Support to: i) face the loss, ii) accept that the event happened, iii) come to understand, iv) accept limitations and shortcomings, and v) eventually, forgive yourself and others. Forgiving does not mean the event was okay, it simply means you let go of the impulse to hurt the other or cause the other to suffer and no longer hold judgement over yourself or the other.
These general points are merely guides, there may be more or there may be less to face. It is important to remember that increased space between immediate loss and memory reduces the state of overwhelm. The less overwhelmed the person, the greater the ability to be present through times of loss and sadness. The ability to be present in the immediate moment enables the person to give understanding, support and compassion to others in a state of grief and loss. The ability to be present in the immediate moment also enables the person to see a clear pathway for the future.
Patricia with sister, Margaret
This is the holiday Season. A time when families gather together to give and receive gifts, share meals and perhaps speak of the past. Wherever you are on your healing journey, may this holiday season be a time of creating space for yourself, creating space for the willingness to understand yourself and have compassion for yourself. May this be a time where you know the most important place to feel and be at home is in your own body and soul. And may your space be surrounded with the lights of the holidays.